So...
Tuesday I had a minor breakdown. One of those "What have we done... our lives are going to be changed forever... how are we ever going to do this... I don't know how to be a Mom... I don't know if I can let go of all the things that I think I'm going to have to let go of... what if she doesn't love me..." breakdowns.
All I can say is I have the absolute most wonderful husband in the entire world. I was cuddled up in his arms for about an hour... snotting and crying all over his chest, and he had absolutely nothing but wonderful things to say to me. Don't know what I'd do without him. (love you baby)
And now, a mere two days later, I'm experiencing an entirely different extreme emotion, though I'm not quite sure how to describe it. I'm not sure there's a word for it. (or if there is, it can't be found by my preggo brain right now) Other words that are coming to me right now are... Delicate... Impermanent... Precious... Fragile... Sacred... Quiet...
In other words, I feel incredibly honored to be pregnant, and incredibly aware of how fast this time is slipping away from us. Only 10 more weeks (give or take a week or two probably), and this pregnancy will be over. I don't want to let it go yet and am trying to figure out how to enjoy the little time that we've got left.
What I can't do is actually slow time down.
But what I CAN do is try to slow myself down. Start letting work go... not working as many long hours... when I feel her kick, talk to her right away and take ten deep breaths to really enjoy it... maybe try to plan a weekend to get away, just me and my belly, to sit and be silent together...
Any other ideas?
Emotions... emotions... a good reminder that you're alive.
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Oh Baby....
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're writing all these feelings down because they are impermanent. Even the memory of them fades pretty fast. Looking back 31 years ago I can't really remember having the kinds of feelings you describe.
I remember the physicality of pregnancy - how it felt, all the things I did (like putting headphones on my belly so you could listen to music, and doing all kinds of crazy pre-natal exercises, and on and on), but the emotions of the time have all faded away. Except the joy. I still remember being full of joy.
I have no memories at all of being worried or scared. I only remember feeling confident that everything would work out just fine. Even with your problems at birth, I had faith that all would be well. Maybe it was because I was only 23 years old and not as worldly or wise as you are now. Or maybe it was because I really did (and pretty much still do) have a spiritual faith that all things proceed as the universe intends and it is our job to just keep up.
You will be a marvelous mother, and Johnny will be a marvelous father. Try to relax and just let things happen...
Love,
Mommy
I understand how your feeling, all those emotions. The birth will be wonderful for you. Did you check out the birth section on the Adaluz website, made me tearup. You will be a wonderful mother.
ReplyDeleteKelly
Hmmm... A few words that come to mind for me are presence... ease... breathe...let go... You are doing all the right things... The challenge comes in the being of it. Yes, take time to breathe and be still when you feel her kick. I'd encourage you to be with her for as long as you are able, and be with yourself and the perfection and awe of it all. Those moments will present themselves everyday, and the more you have practiced bring still and taking it all in, the easier it will be to continue in it. Even when she's up at night (whether the technique works or not) you can breathe with her... You can hear her and understand that nothing is wrong, just communicating and responding. When I told you at the shower that I made a lot of mistakes, upon reflection I can see that most of them were made while tired and thinking that "there's something wrong here," or "this shouldn't be happening." It moved me into trying to make it stop (whatever 'it' may have been) instead of accepting fully whatever it was first and then acting. Maybe kind of like the charlie horse incident... Others like them will happen but may look more like, "I just changed my shirt, and then got throw up all over my new shirt and hair," or I just changed her and she dirtied her diaper for the third time.." or one of my personal favorites, "It feels so good to lay my head on the pillow. I can feel my body drift off to sleep.. Huh? I just put her down? What do you mean, she's awake again?" All if these can be very uncomfortable, but acceptance is the first step.. Sweet motherhood- there are so many great opportunities to grow and expand oneself.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW you are an amazing mother.. Knew it in the fifth grade as much as I do now. It's who you are- embracing, loving, full of awe. I love you. I love Johnny and the man he is. I love you, Annie. I'm sending warmth and peace your way.