Date night

Haven't written in a while and just wanted to check in quickly. Yes, yes, I promise to post more belly pics soon. :)

So... news lately...
Well, not only can I feel her move every day now (which is SO exciting!!!), but I can actually see my belly move when I feel it. So cool! I can't see anything discernible yet (can't tell when a foot passes by or anything), but I can see the little ripples and disturbances that she's causing. And I can start to tell her pattern of sleep and awake time.

Usually I feel her when I wake up around 7am, then again around 10am, 2pm, 5pm, 10pm. So much growing to do still... I'm sure she needs lots of beauty rest. (and so do I, so I really appreciate that she's not keeping me up all night kicking yet)

Johnny has been able to feel her move from outside my belly for a few weeks now which is also loads of fun. We're both so excited about it!

And... I'm also realizing... day by day... that it's one less day that it'll just be the two of us; and that is bitter sweet. I know the next phase of life is going to be amazing, but this last one has also been amazing and I'm starting to think that it's ok to mourn a little bit for the loss of the portion of our marriage which we are now phasing out of.

Make no mistake though... Monday nights will ALWAYS be date nights. I know you people with babies are thinking "Yeah right Christi... ", but I"m serious about this one. (and so is Johnny). Ever since my first year of college (13 years ago!), Monday night has been date night for us. In fact, tonight just happens to be date night and Johnny and I cashed in our loose change jar and are going out to dinner and maybe a movie.

It just so happens that I'm particularly looking forward to this week's date night cause I didn't get to see him all weekend... but Monday night date night is something that happens even if we spend all weekend together. There are very few things in the world that we will allow to get in the way of date night. And I think it's a key ingredient to how happy we are and how healthy our marriage is. (and I encourage all of you to start your own date night routines if you haven't already)

And now... I need to actually put some make-up on and brush my hair/teeth. (been slumming it all day while working at home). After all, there's this really hot guy that's coming to pick me up for a date soon!

Becoming a Mother...

At what point in this process do you really become a Mother?

Specifically, our little one is kicking up a storm now (even as I type this), and I find myself talking to her, reacting to her, thinking about her more and more. Does that make me a Mom? Not yet I think...

And... thanks to my amazing husband (who tries his best, patiently but sternly, to keep me in line), I'm slowly trying to take on the responsibilities of being a Mother. What do I mean? Let me explain...

To be honest, in general, I'm just selfish. Seriously.
Not to say that I don't care about other people, or that I don't give as much of myself as I can, but I just mean to say that if there's something I really want (or something I really want to do), there's very little anyone else in my life (husband, friends, parents) can do or say to change my mind. Those of you who know me well know what I'm talking about.

This behavior can be seen as a really great strength sometimes... "Wow Christi you really get stuff done!"... "Christi, how do you find time to do all this stuff?"... "Wow Christi, you know what you want and you go after it!", etc.

But... it also means that I sacrifice things that I might need (like sleep, or eating, or my stress level), in exchange for the short term feelings of success I get after a new accomplishment (like re-finishing the kitchen, or getting kudos at work)

But being pregnant... being responsible for this helpless child inside me... well... suffice it to say that I'm learning (too slowly) that it's not all about me anymore.

Those of you with children are nodding, or smiling smugly thinking "you have no idea what you're really in for Christi", and you're absolutely right.
But how could I know?
How does anyone know what this is like until it starts happening?

It really hit me hard this morning... I hadn't felt her move for about 24 hours, and this morning had a little tiny thing that happened that scared me just a little. I spent the rest of the morning thinking, "What if I did something to put this pregnancy at risk? How could I live with myself? How could Johnny forgive me? How would I be able to forgive myself?"

Lifting things that are too heavy for me...
Insisting on getting 2 or 3 more home remodel projects done before she comes, even if it means handling insulation, exposing myself to paint fumes, etc...

How fragile am I? How fragile is she?
Too fragile.
Too fragile to keep doing the crap I've been doing.
(No, I haven't been exposing myself to paint fumes... but the rest is true)

And so... it hit me today... really hard... that one of the first steps in the Mom journey is swiftly kicking myself in the arse.
What I want is just NOT THAT IMPORTANT anymore.
This little baby, this little girl that I already love so much, has to come first. For the rest of my life, she has to come first.

And I guess it's never really hit me like this before. How could it, until you feel those little feet kicking? It's impossible to understand... until you become a Mom.

I'm still learning... this is the first little lesson in a lifetime's worth, I'm sure. And it's scary as hell. But no one ever said this was easy, right?

So if any of you out there pray (whatever form of prayer that is), would you please say a little prayer for us that everything is going to be OK, and that I will continue to learn and to embody what it truly means to be a Mother; To give myself wholly to my child, and to put her needs above my own?

Thanks for that.