Nightmares are good... and another lesson in labor

... according to our midwife, that is.

We had a prenatal appointment last Tuesday and we discussed the emotional things that I mentioned in my last blog post. She smiled and said, "Actually, I think this is really good that you've experiencing all of this, and I think it'll really help you during your labor".

"Really?" I asked. "How?"

She said, "Well, for most women, they do feel things like what you describe; anxiety, fear of the unknown, sadness at the loss of their former life, uncertainty about their new identity as a Mom, less than confident in their ability to do the job well. And I've seen women who don't confront any of that during their pregnancy, and what can happen is that it comes up during labor when the reality is absolutely impossible to deny. You are HAVING THIS BABY. NOW! And so if you haven't begun to confront those fears, or at least to name them then when they come up for you during labor they can actually slow things down. If the first time you have thoughts like 'I don't want this right now... make it stop... I'm not ready... I'm afraid' is during labor, then it's more difficult for your body to relax and for you just to sink into your body and let it do what it needs to do to get the baby out."

Wow... well, that makes total sense!

After the appointment, I reflected on what she said and realized that I had not had any nightmares at all during the pregnancy.
And then... wouldn't ya know it, but that very night I had one of those nightmares that is so vivid that you wake up crying. It was awful.
In the dream Johnny was seeing someone else and was refusing to talk to me about it. I think he said something like "you're not you anymore", but he was just looking at me, like, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. At first, in the dream, I got mad and starting cussing at him, telling him to get the F*** out of the house... that kind of thing. But in the dream, when he starts to leave, I break down, get on my knees and start begging him to stay. (I wasn't pregnant in the dream, at least, I don't remember being pregnant in the dream) It was the most vulnerable and dependent I have ever felt in my life. So, of course, I wake up doing the sobbing/crying/breathing hard thing. Johnny wakes up and does a wonderful job comforting me... we have to turn on the lights and talk for about an hour before I'm able to go back to sleep. (at 3:30 in the morning). What a night.

But again, according to the midwife, this is all good stuff that hopefully means the labor will go smoother because I've already NAMED my fears. So... just to make sure my labor goes smoothly, I'll do it again. Here they are.

I'm afraid that...
1) I'll have to let go of parts of myself or my past that I've always prided myself in; like working harder and longer than my colleagues, doing as much as I can at home and at work, being the woman who can "do it all"
2) I'm not as strong or independent as I've always thought that I was... I feel a new connection and dependence on my husband that I've never felt before and while it's wonderful and beautiful, it's also a little scary that I need it so bad
3) I'm not going to be as patient as I should be with myself or with her
4) I'm going to go crazy not knowing how to comfort or care for her
5) I'm going to resent how much she needs me
6) She's going to be so totally different from me that I won't be able to relate to her

whew. ick. yuck. blah.

ok... that's all for now. New Topic.

Last night (Friday night) I had a 1/1 prenatal session with one of the Yoga instructors at my Yoga studio. I really liked the prenatal class that Johnny and I took together, but I also didn't really feel like I got as much out of it as I was hoping. In particular, I don't think we did as much visualization, pain coping, labor position practicing as I would have liked. And so I enlisted the help of one of the instructors in the studio who has done a lot of prenatal training and is a Mom herself.

She was great. She actually helped me practice mooing... like a cow. Seriously. And you know what? It actually feels pretty good to moo like a cow. Go ahead, try it. (deep down, low in your vocal register)

The whole idea of being vocal during labor is that you're able to get out of your thinking mind and into your "mammalian" mind. (The mind that we share with our mammal cousins in the animal kingdom) And if you get over how "weird" it is to make odd sounds, then it helps you feel a resonance inside your chest and your abdomen that helps bring the tension down out of your face, neck and shoulders (where you might be holding your breath and holding a lot of tension) and focus that energy down into your belly and pelvis which is where all the work needs to happen anyway.

We also did some touch work... stuff that I'll show Johnny how to do. Things like stroking my back from top to bottom as I breath out. And then we looked at a few different laboring positions... ways to hold onto my partner or the edge of the tub, or lean up against the wall during contractions to help my pelvis relax. All good stuff.

So now, I've got 9 more weeks to practice.
And while they serve a purpose, I do hope not to have any more nightmares. They're just... not fun at all.